Part 5: Game Changer Tips – When things Change
Welcome to the Gamer Changer section; this is advice section on how to proceed in unique situations that are above and beyond the conceptual scope and focus of a partner in a monogamous relationship that is seeking an external kink/domination partner. We will cover everything from role changes, relationship adaptation, adding and changing primary partners, and all sorts of changes that can happen.
Changes should always be clearly verbatim, thoroughly spoke out, and with as little of doubt as much as possible.
I went deep font level notation because if you get nothing from this section, this is the biggest part. When people make changes and ‘think’ that everyone is on the same page and they aren’t is how you get polyplosion. I have lived through a few polyplosions and it’s taken me years to repair myself and others from it. I highly recommend avoiding them at all costs. Ask any question that comes to mind, talk everything to death, resurrect it, and talk it back into the ground. It really helps everyone.
Finally, some solace if you need it – anytime there is a fundamental change (or similar enough) mentioned in this section in the arrangement/relationship structure, it is effectively a new arrangement with it’s own history. Sometimes the new version fits better and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes these changes are deal breakers because it doesn’t fit that well any more but it doesn’t mean anyone failed at this endeavor. It just means that the new version doesn’t bring the joy the original one did. You should only stop feeling out kink if that is the option you chose, not assuming you have to.
NOTE: This section will be originally written in it’s entirety but is subject to change as well as additional topics as they may come up by either request or my own continuing experiences. Any additional information will listed in the change log in the Introduction section with a *NEW* tag for it and if it gets large enough, might get broken into it’s own section. Have something change for you in your relationship like this? Please let me know via email and I will see what we can do about adding it! I promise to remove any personal information and change the names so you can keep your privacy.
How to respond/react when the Dominant acquires another partner
It can happen quite frequently that a sub/Bottom, especially one that is in their own relationship, has a Dominant either start to dominate other subs or even pick up a new romantic or sexual partner. It can be a bit challenging for the active partner to feel like their are circumstantially restricted but here are ways to address and approach the change and concerns without conflict; in fact it could actually improve the connection:
Talk with the Dominant about their plans and expectations going forward – It’s natural to ‘war room’ when such a change comes either from the lips of the Dominant or rumors from the Aftercare Corner, but it’s important to get all the facts straight before getting anything changed around or either partner to lose their cool. Realistically, the Dominant reaches out and has a conversation with everyone that they are active with if an interest has come up and makes sure to check in to see how they feel about the change. Asking the Dominant about this situation or they speaking with the Active partner is in no way a consent to the change in either case – this is about continuous communication and being clear.
Review and make sure the change fits – Ideally it is a minimal shift and everyone is actually for the better for it but it’s important that you check both ends. Make sure that the Active Partner is receiving the level of needs appropriately and that any schedule, frequency, kink interests, locations, or timing still fits for the Active partner AND the Legacy partner. If suddenly the frequently drops off or gets moved to a day/time that isn’t feasible, don’t either conform reflexively or drop it – inquire about options first before committing to the change and negotiate it – as I mentioned before, this is a new arrangement with it’s own history.
If everyone is good with the change, update the Polycule map and play on – though the subtitle is basically the extent of this step, there’s more to it than that. The polycule map helps you understand how everyone fits into the pod or ‘unit’ if you will (there are a thousand names) and also how the relationships interact. It is entirely possible (and happens all the time) that people who are all effectively germ and possibly fluid bonded to each other, start to feel out options for sexual/play/just socializing with other polycule members. Updating the polycule map is also effectively updating the relationship status if you will in your unit and helps you understand how everyone is connected.
How to address ending the Dominant / D/s relationship if need be
There reaches a point, whether its a short time after the relationship starts up or even down the road, where you have to sunset this relationship connection. I have a series of suggestions on how to address this so it is done tastefully and with respect as the kink community is really only five blocks long demographically speaking. Moreover, relationships of this nature, for everyone’s sake, should be addressed with grace as a poor departure/shift often mars the scene for everyone involved – it’s no good.
NOTE: I refrain, heavily, from using the terminology of ‘breaking up’ in this regard because it gives connotations of life partnerships and it’s misleading. It’s very normal to have emotions for your Dominant, extremely normal, but it was never the intention of the relationship; that’s what the legacy relationship is about. ‘Separating’ is far closer to what I could call this action but even then it’s stretch. These terms have meaning in our culture and when they are used, we have reactions and expectations along those lines – people will have messier reactions when they are used so I suggest ‘separating.’
Have an internal review between the Active Partner and the Legacy Partner – This is a bit of an obvious statement but I’m making it to be clear; it’s important to make sure this is the right step for partnership first. Moreover, if the Active Partner is feeling that the D/s relationship needs to sunset, it gives the Legacy partner a heads up that this change is going to happen so they can assist with the change. Naturally, and I cannot stress this enough, if the relationship at any point turns abusive, get the fuck out, do not pass go, tell your legacy partner after you are safe, and it’s clear it needs to be done. Keeping your partner in the loop is very important but the safety of the Active Partner is paramount and trumps this consideration.
Have a informal conversation with the Dominant (if it’s an option) – Speak with the Dominant, prior to the next scene planned (not during the scene itself and not during aftercare) to let them know that the relationship unfortunately will need to end. It’s important at this point to make it clear that it’s a decision that both partners are aware of and support so there’s no worry of fallout. I would suggest not having a scene after this conversation as it’s misleading on expectations and outcomes but you are adults, it’s your call. Discuss the option of transitioning to/back to ‘friends’ or on ‘friendly terms’, the difference between whether or not you want to stay in social contact with one another or simply want to end things amicably.
Have a post separation meet up (with everyone, if possible) – It’s a weird suggestion but I HIGHLY suggest that if things end on either friendly terms or can transition to friends, that everyone show up to the next event to show publically that everyone is alright but things have changed. We are social creatures and it does hammer down that things are alright and that everyone is cool about this change to dismiss drama or rumors/concerns if there is a change. When the rumor mill gets a footing on it, it will be mildly problematic to chase it down later. On the flip side, if there are harpies in your social group that need to see this through as drawn out bullshit, it is telling that you should distance yourselves from them and move on.
Hold/Have an Unlocking/Uncollaring Ceremony – In the case there is a collaring that takes place, a formal ritual/ceremony is suggested to give both/all parties closure to make the separate finite. There are really good ‘unhandfasting’ ceremonies to be found on the Internet that have some merit as examples to use. Hopefully at some point, I will have the time to knock out an ‘unlocking ceremony’ post to help with this! If it’s approached properly, it can be very uplifting believe it or not and leave everyone feeling resolved and in a better place than an abrupt transition out.
How to address matters when legacy partnership dissolving:
This happens all the damn time, believe it or not. I could write a separate blog on this one ALONE but I will work on getting this in a few points for now. Sometimes the legacy partnership (hopefully NOT due to the D/s relationship or the Active partner’s interest in kink) needs to be no more. It’s important that a series of considerations are made to keep the Active partner from glomping onto their Dominant and putting a lot of unnecessary strain on the D/s relationship or letting it default to a new relationship.
To be clear and state my thoughts, I neither support nor heckle the idea of two consenting adults jumping into a new primary relationship if the legacy partnership folds. What I am warning against just letting it happen without consideration.
It is very important for everyone, the legacy partner, the active partner, and the Dominant that things are handled gracefully and that everyone has a chance to gain their full perspectives before moving on. If the Active Partner and the Dominant want to carry on after things have settled, GREAT; but please take your time to know what you need first as everything is changing at this point. It’s easy to see the standing D/s option as a ‘safe port in the storm’ and it can be; we will go over how to approach it safely.
Addressing the Change and settling your interests – By now, I’m assuming the legacy partnership has started to, or will be, dissolving essentially. I’m going to continue to refer to the legacy partner and the active partner as is to keep things sensible. My condolences to anyone is or will be going through this – it’s one of the worst heart aches of life. It’s best to end on fair terms if possible and take this change into account for planning purposes. By that I mean knowing whether or not the Active partner is continuing to see their Dominant or if they are choosing to stop seeing them. I bring this up as it may be best that they either move out first or put things on hold as a courtesy to their former partner. Either way, it’s their decision whether or not to continue it; I’m just suggesting that matters are addressed delicately.
The Active Partner acts independently and reviews their options – Its important that the Active Partner takes the time to address their current situation; practical, occupational, and personal needs, apart from both partners. It’s also very important that if they get advice it should be from an unbias third party. Both the legacy partner and the Dominant have vested interests and it’s vital that Active partner acts freely and without expectation. There is a duty of care to a fault with the Dominant but they are in no way a life partner and one should make sure their interests are theirs alone before launching into action.
Notify the Dominant – The fair next step is to give the Dominant a heads up, prior to any D/s scene time, that the legacy partnership is dissolving. By now, the Active Partner will know what they are looking for and/or needing and can discuss how the Dominant wants to proceed with their standing relationship. If I have any perspective to suggest here, it would be to change as little or anything as possible. Conversely, if the Active partner needs to step away and get a full reset, I wholly and deeply support this. I highly recommend (from multiple experiences) that you hold off on letting things deepen until after the Active Partner has their practical and personal life in order THEN addressing options if desired.
The Active Partner starts seeing someone new (after leaving the Legacy partner)
Another subject I could go into great length on but I will do my best to keep it short and sweet. When the Active partner starts to see someone new and they have changed little or nothing with their Dominant, it can be an interesting situation as the Dominant is technically now also a legacy partner in comparison to the new primary partner. This can be very awkward/unusual for the new Primary partner, not to mention the Dominant and the Active partner. Several steps should be taken to help this all transition into place.
Review the standing D/s relationship with the new Primary Partner – If it hasn’t happened already, going over the standing relationship and everything that has gone into it with the Primary partner is important. To play it safe, I recommend going into ridiculously thorough detail; including kinks, good scenes, bad scenes, all the dirty laundry (if any). Effectively this is bringing in a new partner to a merger situation so disclosure is profoundly important. They need to know how the donuts are not only made but iced. Answer any questions they have, address boundaries and expectations, make them very clear the scene.
Have the new Primary partner met the Dominant (at least once) – Once the new Primary partner is understanding the scene and the standing relationship, meeting face to face for dinner or coffee is a good call. This lets everyone put a face to the partnership and start to gel as members of a greater unit/connection/polycule. They will likely have a thousand questions which is good; this is the forum to answer them and get everyone on the same page in this new setting. Again I recommend a place that’s neutral but comfortable for this level of conversation – definitely not the play space and/or someone’s home.
Hold a Negotiation conversation – I put this as the third step so all the information and faces have been seen/known so decision can be firmed discussed. This gives the Primary partner time to understand the standing relationship and give their vote/opinion on how it fits into their lives/interests. Perhaps they would like to look into Topping/Dominating the Active Partner themselves, perhaps they are good with how things are right now, perhaps it’s too much. Either way, this lets the Active Partner decide how they want to proceed, whether they want to sunset things with the Dominant, continue with how things are, or let the new Primary partner go if their needs are no longer congruent with their new lifestyle.
Follow Up with/Renegotiation with the Dominant – Follow up with the Dominant about how the conversation with the Primary partner went and how the Active partner wants to proceed. This can lead to renegotiations regardless if the Primary partner wants to top and/or has different boundary requests. It’s important to give the Dominant a chance to weight in and give their response/renegotiate with what the options are available to them. This way, everyone has a chance to voice their opinions and preferences with a realistic outcome. Ideally, the Active partner gets to keep their Dominant and their new Primary partner and this is simply a matter of making sure that everyone is on the same page.
How to address the Dominant when the Active Partner wants to Switch/Top a Sub:
Another normal outcome after getting a taste of the kink lifestyle, new kinksters realize that they in fact are more than just submissives, but in fact a Switch (enjoys Topping and Bottoming) or perhaps even are a Dominant or want to try Dominating someone. For context, I’m going to focus/assume that the Active Partner wants to continue being a submissive for their Dominant and will give instruction thereof for that purpose. If it known that the Active Partner wants to solely Dominant, I would just the ‘Separation’ steps mentioned previously as the outcome would be the same at that point.
Discuss the interest with the Legacy partner – at this point, it would be an extension of the existing relationship arrangement. It could be very taxing at that point for the legacy partner if the Active partner was maintaining a relationship with the Dominant and now a third partner. I would suggest starting the conversation with the conceptual idea of having a submissive partner at this point and wait until after the conversation with the Dominant to see if they are receptive to the change before throwing the idea out entirely. Ideally the legacy partner is good with it as long as the scheduling adjustment is reasonable and the new partner is a compatible addition.
Discuss the interest with the Dominant – Touching base with your Dominant is the next big step. Ideally this is an interest that they support wholly and are understanding for it. It really depends on the Dominant themselves and their temperament. If there is already a submissive that the Active partner has in mind, it’s best to mention the interest first, and then bring up the bottom second. This is for two reasons; one, it is important that the Active partner states their personal role interest separately, and two, to point out that the submissive in question would be for the Active partner specifically and not an offering to their Dominant as a play partner.
NOTE: A unique situation that can come up is having a ‘House’ arrangement and/or a lineage arrangement where the Dominant would be the ‘head of the family’ so to speak and the Active partner would be the secondary, followed by their new ‘submissive’. If this is something that everyone is comfortable with AND desire more to you all. I suggest that if you have no pressing interest to see this through, to keep the relationships separate to focus on the Bottom as a Top and the Dominant as your Top so the Bottom doesn’t feel pressured or get poached, whether intentionally or not, by the Dominant.
Arrange a group meet, at least with the Legacy partner and Bottom – Making sure that everyone is on the same page, I suggest a group meet up at least once. If nothing else, the Legacy partner should met the Bottom so that they knew the new partner in their lives, if nothing else indirectly. If there’s an option for a chill hang with the Dominant, the Active partner, and the Bottom (and their partners if interested) it is a great call just so everyone knows everyone. I recommend Cards Against Humanity or a similar game to help break down barriers for everyone to get to know everyone and become more comfortable with one another.
Adapting the Dominant into a Mentor – Another articulation could be that the Dominant becomes a mentor and helps the Active Partner learn how to top their Bottom as a part of their scene time. In my mind, this is both a safer and frankly a more noble approach to interaction with the Active Partner and the Bottom than attempting a house or immediate legacy approach. This gives the Active partner a chance to learn how to top while both improving their connection to their Dominant and their new bottom. Ideally, if the time could be split between bottoming and the mentorship, it would help ease things into place with your legacy partner.
Update the Polycule Map – Hopefully this is a very positive, well supported change and that everyone is on board with it. It will definitely add a significant level of complication but also a very heady level of delightful attention for the Active partner. I HIGHLY recommend making sure to keep a shared Google or iCal calendar of everyone’ schedule and make sure the Active partner has the communications bandwidth/spoons to make sure they can keep up with everyone. At this point, the Active partner is more poly than anything be default with three partners; I recommend reading up on poly living with many sources as they will help support you!!
How to address if the Active Partner wants to be an ‘Available’ bottom:
Another outcome that comes with someone who’s first dipping their toe into the Kink pool is discovering that there are many different Domination styles and that a lot of Dominants tend to have an approach that they specialize in. Also if someone is monogamous in one aspect of their lives and kink is an outlet for expressing interests outside of the Active Partner’s original circumstance, it’s entirely possible that they want… Shop around for the lack of better terms when it comes to kink partners. This happens quite frequently and can happen at any point of the D/s relationship path.
This isn’t about the Dominant, it’s about the Active partner being a free kink agent. It’s not quite like leaving the Dominant as I mentioned previously but a different perspective I like to call an ‘Available’ bottom. I prefer this perspective over calling a submissive ‘free’, ‘single’, or ‘loose’ because they all have connotations of either 1), not being in a relationship, 2), property, or 3), loose livestock. It works in a practical sense that if someone is looking for ‘an available bottom’ it’s self-evident while also making it clear that they are available for play but not wanting a commitment.
This allows the Active Partner to go to events for what is commonly called ‘pick up play’ to meet new potential Dominants and understand their style and focus. This also allows the Active Partner to get to know more of the community and understand kink independent of anyone’s perspective but their own. It can also give the bottom a change to feel out different traditions and perspectives; ideally with the option of returning some day if they desire back to their previous Dominant if it’s an option.
Communicate this interest with the Legacy Partner – Yeah, if you haven’t caught on yet, any change of this nature needs to be run past the legacy partner, if nothing else for a heads up. This could change the frequency, dates, times, everything that the Active Partner presently has set as an expectation so this is a very important one to make sure it’s not throwing the legacy partner for a loop. Remember, it’s not permission you are seeking but an equal agreement and knowing that you are being a fair partner to yours. Also if this means multiple sexual partners potentially, that needs to be cleared first if there is an interest.
Communicate this interest to the Dominant – Next step is naturally to touch base with the Dominant prior and away from any session play. I would refrain from using – ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ as it comes off passive aggressive – I highly recommend reminding/stating that since you (the Active Partner) are new to the scene, you wanted a chance to be an available sub for other Dominants and have things be casual (if that is desired). I suggest a regressive frequency pattern with a meaningful finish scene that shows symbolically ‘resting’ the relationship so it’s an option to return to if both partners are interested.
Join the Dominant at a Dungeon Party/Munch as ‘friends’ – Again I support the idea of both the Active Partner and the Dominant meeting up at a Munch or a Dungeon party as ‘friends so the kink scene knows that there was a parting on good terms. This helps shows that the Dominant is taking the change well and supports the Active Partner in their personal journey to experience other Dominants and other kink specialties. If the Legacy partner is available and interested, it could be fun to have them join too but it could come off like they are now topping the Active Partner so that could be interesting unto itself.
Be open but stay open and clear about it – If the Active Partner takes this step, it may be a bit of a hard change as they are used to having the stability of a consistent Dominant. It’s why I suggest both options of a regressive frequency pattern AND having things be on good terms with the Previous Dominant so they might be able to have a pick up scene with them if they are desiring attention. Conversely, and I stress this thoroughly, it is important that the Active Partner keep their head and not slip right back into a relationship out of habit. I suggest making it clear that any interest is meant to be pick up scene only and that the Active partner is not looking for anything right now but knowing more about the scene.
Returning to a D/s relationship after being Available – If the Active Partner finds someone, or returns to their previous Dominant, it’s important that matters are renegotiated again with the Legacy partner and terms confirmed again. It’s easy to assume nothing has really changed or it’s minor differences but this is where things get overlooked and easily become landmines. It is closer to a review in some ways with the Legacy partner but it is necessary to make sure that they are good with going back to a regular frequency and expectations thereof. Once everyone is on the same page, it’s a lovely return to regular play times.
How to address if the Legacy partner wants to start Dominating the Active Partner themselves:
I would save this question for the last question – if nothing else so it’s easy to get to by scrolling to the bottom of the page. I hope by the time you have read everything else, it will give you an idea of how to approach things in general and/or how this particular transition is parts of multiple previous sections. Finally, it’s also because it would be transition away from the primary scope of this instructional so it’s fitting.
At this point, you are no longer needing an external partner to meet the Active partner’s interests, it’s being handled internally so to speak. There is a way to do this gracefully and options to consider when doing so so it’s not damaging to anyone, not to mention community credibility if there is any desire to still be a member of the kink community. This also happens rather frequently and if both partners handle it well, you now have a very good connection to the community and hopefully a good mentor and friend.
Have your own Negotiation/Kink conversation at home – It is effectively a new kink relationship and like I mentioned before, this very much is a new arrangement with it’s own history. It’s best to review/update the kink interest check list for both partners as at this point the Active Partner and Legacy partner both have had experiences and/or a better idea of what they are looking for. You also need to review what the play space will be, frequency of kink time, boundaries, preferences, and expectations – just like you did at the beginning of this whole journey. It’s not starting over, it’s just adding more road to your journey.
Reach out to the Dominant to inform them of the new interest – Before anything happens (of serious note) and both partners are for this transition, it’s important to talk with the Dominant before too long. No, they clearly do not have to give permission, that’s not what this is about. This is about being respectful to the Dominant if nothing else; it is a considerable change and it deeply affects them.
To both of you, this is just your romantic partner – to them, their submissive/Pet/etc, has a new Dominant with little to no notice. This is, if nothing else, one of the most important Duty of Care moments in this arrangement. It is the most thoughtful thing someone can do in this community and you will be remembered either way for how you handled it.
Consider Renegotiating if it’s suggested by the Dominant – No, I don’t mean let them or anyone talk either partner out of having a D/s relationship with their primary partner – let’s get that out of the way right away. If they handle the transition that poorly, the rest of what I’m about to suggest is immediately invalid. What I mean by this is hearing out options to transition the kink relationship, like options of open play at Dungeon space after the primary relationship has solidified with this new aspect in place.
At this point, there is already a standing relationship that has value that can be articulated into something more casual and occasional if all parts are interested – like a dance partner if you will at the Ball (Dungeon time is very much like a Ball in my honest option – it’s very normal to have multiple play partners). It often means sex is off the table, which can be helpful in a transitional situation and the Active Partner gets to ‘visit’ if you will their old Dominant’s style of play (as often everyone is different at their approach).
The Dominant becomes the Mentor – There is also the option that Dominant takes on a Mentor role and helps both partners transition into their own relationship by training the Legacy partner. This helps the legacy partner become more comfortable with the scene, how their Active Partner reacts in this situation, and shows them the ropes, both figuratively and literally. It is an uncommon but not at all rare case there this give the Dominant a chance to support their personal Legacy and community standing while helping out at least one partner, even if they are on their way to having their own relationship.
Patience for the Legacy Partner – Regardless of how things wrap with the Dominant, it is important for the Legacy partner and the Active partner to know that the Legacy Partner is still learning and that expectations should be low and supportive. It’s easy for the Legacy partner to feel discouraged as the Active partner has now been with a seasoned kinkster so I recommend that a series of smaller, reasonable scenes are planned out at first. Ideally, if it’s an option for the Active partner’s needs, there can still be a set of reduced visitations to their former Dominant as things transition but it is definitely not required. As the legacy partner studies, prepares, and follows through with their plans, each scene progresses suitably.
Have a post transition meet up (with everyone, if possible) – This nonsense again? YES! It’s important that regardless of how things are transitioning, that everyone meets up socially and the GP gets a feel for the “new” kink pairing and where things are at with the previously pairing. In my mind, it is also about having a sense of complete transition and closure that this is the step forward for everyone. This was and will never be about the Dominant being a transition role; it’s very normal that some people prefer to have external Dominants than their primary partners. But in the event that it is, this is the best way for everyone to be treated fairly and move forward as adults, and hopefully, as better people and friends for it.
Dom Talos - For the modern deviant 
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