Part 4: Tech Support – Legacy Partner’s Toolbox
This part focuses on the “Oh Shit” troubleshooting part of this scene; whether it is the legacy partner needing some assistance and/or things have shifted in either the D/s relationship, the legacy relationship, or fuck forbid all the above. I will do my best to help stamp out any fires, give advice to the legacy partner, and give you pointers on how to embrace the change so to speak and turn the other cheek (heh).
Legacy Partner’s Toolbox
First off; thank you and I’m proud of you.
I know that sounds like a strange thing to say on both counts but it’s true. Stepping up and hearing our your partner about having an external partner in addition to yourself is a significant step, even if you are only partially non-monogamous (promiscuous). I’m thank you as a member of the community that you are willing to step into our world, even if it’s just to be an ancillary part of it. I’m also telling you I’m proud of you because it’s a huge step and is often takes a lot of patience, sacrifice, and understanding if this is all new to you. You are a GREAT partner for going on this journey with them in your own way.
It can be very hard to be in this position because you are giving up time with your partner (very likely) and learning to share emotional, mental, and potentially sexual space so to speak with this new person. It’s going to be challenging, you will find yourself rather upset and worried at times, maybe many times, and I want to let you know that this is normal. Sometimes this option comes up and suddenly it’s a good fit for both of you, sometimes it comes up and it works for your partner but only in a support role for you. Do not feel that, this happens and this is also very normal.
I’m also proud of you because I know what it is like to be the partner who has to share the burden of a life change like this with the your sole benefit is seeing your partner thoroughly enjoy themselves. It can hollow you out at times, make you feel like it was more than you could have offered, and wear you down. I promise you that we will work through these emotions and help you address them in a healthy fashion. I’m proud of you for taking this chance and starting this adventure with your partner, for your partner.
You are enough, really.
I know it sounds like a strange thing for me to say when your partner is in the process of seeking an external partner right now but it’s true – you are enough. I don’t know your situation exactly and I cannot speak for your partner but I want to point out some facts that I can likely be rather right about since you are reading this. When your partner meet you and started to date you, they knew you were the person they wanted to be with.
They STILL want to be with you, enough to the point where they are likely losing their minds with worry about addressing this interest and not losing you in the process. No, you are not doing anything wrong; there’s a pile of reasons that your partner is requesting this interest be outsourced but it’s extremely likely it’s not because of you as a person or anything you are doing. They want you, they want to be with you, this is a side interest. The fact that they want you to read this confirms everything I have just said. If it was something that they needed differently, they wouldn’t read through all these dozens of points I have just made to seek this out – this is commitment, right here.
I’m putting this little note in here so you have some reassurance and some confidence. We all need this from time to time to know that we’re making the right choice for ourselves and our partners; it sucks when you are insecure about these things. I HIGHLY recommend talking with your partner during any continuous communication conversations and ask how the two of you can work on resolving these concerns. Maybe it’s talking more, touching more, some kind of reassurance that things are Great actually.
Importance of relationship rights and communicating your needs.
At the heart of all these changes and the very purpose of this section if nothing else is to talk to you about your relationship rights and making sure to communicate your needs. It is very natural for primary/legacy partners to want to support their eager, excited partners in their new exploration and to overlook their needs to support their partners. The one thing I need to stress that it’s important to state what your needs are during the relationship examination stage and during any C3 (continuous communication conversations) moments so you are heard as well.
Relationship rights isn’t unto itself a new topic, just a subtle one. RRs is based on the ‘duty of care’ consideration morally speaking but it is expanded to encompass both partners, their words, and their actions. A relationship, a healthy one, is designed to be for both partners (in this context two people) to be mutually beneficial, and one of pleasure and respect. There are inherit rights to being in this relationship, like making sure your needs are known and supported, as well supporting the same in your partner.
You are going to have moments where a play time might be too much, or another where you are fully overwhelmed and feel locked out of your own relationship, and/or maybe even feel like you are the one watching the kids while your partner is having the time of their life. Be kind and be fair but bring this feeling to the light. To make this all work, it’s important that things *don’t* get swept under the rug because at some point, you will reach critical mass, it will explode, and things will be figuratively on fire and broken. I do not recommend this. In a fair scene, your words, feelings, and reactions are fairly met.
Why is this happening? A perspective from both roles.
It’s a question that everyone who’s new to this situation crosses their minds. You may feel awkward for it to come up, like you are accusing your partner of doing something inappropriate, or maybe it does feel inappropriate. Sometimes you know this is an interest that your partner has had the entire time and it didn’t work in our primary relationship for whatever reason it didn’t work. Or maybe something changes in our lives and it becomes an interest that neither of you expected. Let’s go over a few possibilities and perspectives that I have come across in my experience:
Masochistic Outlet for Stress – BDSM is one of the best outlets when you need to release stress and feel release that is sometimes sexual but definitely not always. It gets played up in campy ways in cinema all the time for the provocative, primal nature of it but it gets pulled in there also because it’s true. If you are in a role, either in your personal and/or professional life that is very demanding of you and often times rigid in it’s design, being able to let go, give your executive function to someone else to feel that weight off your shoulders, and just be a creature of need to please, to perform, to receive intense affection, is everything.
Okay, but why not me? – It can happen, semi-regularly actually, where the interested partner needs to have someone other than their primary partner to be their Dominant. Two of the biggest reasons is interpersonal dynamics of the romantic relationship and practical living restrictions/environment.
Every relationship has a power-exchange dynamic, regardless if it’s romantic, professional, or just general. Sometimes these dynamics are solidified enough that attempting a power exchange is not only disruptive but it very jarring, especially if this dynamic was created for different purposes. Some romance, co-parenting, even professional dynamics can come with a very set cognitive value and is not achievable either for cognitive dissonance and/or incapable interests; it can often just be a bad fit. It may feel personal because it is to a certain point but it’s not a failing, you are doing nothing wrong.
Another conflict is practical living restrictions; this can be either domestic, professional, and/or social conflicts. It can be hard for partners to have fluid dynamic changes with partners that share multiple or concurrent environments. Since that is chewy as Hell, here’s some examples; co-parents who have dedicated roles in their family (immediate and extended family), co-workers who are feeling out a romantic interest who have occupational hierarchy conflict (manager and an employee), and sometimes even a leader and an group member (religious roles for instance) could be challenging to keep that balance or feel out that interest and attempting to change that dynamic is disruptive in those roles.
The Spa Treatment – To a fashion this is both points mentioned previously but as one with one specific, important factor – the environment itself. Sometimes an interested partner literally can’t (or doesn’t want to risk exposure) have their kink experiences in their living space and/or their primary dynamic. Especially when a newly minted kinkster comes out, it is likely because there is a need to be addressed and they need to step out of their lives as they are so they can “catch their breath”. This is extremely normal. It’s also very possible that with time and familiarity it becomes something that they can enjoy at home with their primary partner but it will take time. Address your needs but don’t try and rush this option if possible.
What if… I want to be their Dominant? Or their Submissive?
Believe it or not, this happens a LOT. Sometimes you have a partner who is either in a better position to feel out the scene and/or one that has an opportunity fall into their lap unexpectedly and wants to chase it. After they start the scene up, you get around it enough that you find yourself wanting to either Dominant your partner or even be your partner’s submissive yourself. Let’s look at how to address this unexpected change:
Take a personal assessment of your interests – Its important that if you have this reaction, more than anything, that it is because it’s something you are genuinely interested in yourself and not simply in response to your partner taking an interest. You have noticed I have italicized and underlined the last part; that’s because this is quintessentially important. It’s an instinct to want to align ourselves to our partner’s interests, especially if we’re married/mated to them. The problem with this is that if you are solely doing this so you are instinctually wanting to meet their needs and have no interest, it will become a chore to you and you will both be very disappointed on how it is turning out. This is regardless of whether you are wanting to Dominant them or be Dominated by them, it becomes a passionless necessity.
They are not asking to have the laundry and dishes done and wash the car – they want to be thoroughly Dominated and/or thoroughly Dominate you. It needs to be more than just caretaking; it needs to be passion, a desire. Something that gets your nerves blazing, emotionally aroused at the thought of. This isn’t a dramatic warning off, I’m just wanting you to stop be certain you want this – I asked your interested partner at the beginning of the blog the same thing. You are basically walking in their same footsteps right now when you are considering this, interestingly enough.
Wanting to be their Dominant – I HIGHLY recommend that you talk with your partner PRIOR to all of this to make sure they are available to feel this out so you do not get worked up to find out it’s not an option for them (see previous section). Being a Dominant is about desiring more than just holding the power of someone else’s needs, but their whole wellbeing as well. It can be even more intense than just being their life partner as everything so to speak is in your hands. It can bring about great change in your relationship, good and bad, and you have to be in the right place to take that step. Take your time; study many books, blogs, podcasts, and videos and get a feel for that role in your mind first. When you KNOW you are ready and your partner want to feel this out, please consult the Game Changer tips section for the next step.
Wanting to be their Submissive – Again, check in with your partner if they aren’t the ones already asking to feel this out with you as they want to know that perspective of the exchange. It’s also very normal for someone to get into this scene to discover they are a Switch and want to feel out/enjoy both aspects.
Regardless of whether or not they asked or if you asked, I recommend re-reading the blog from the beginning; this time as the interested partner and follow the same steps for that partner. The only difference is that your Dominant and the legacy partner are the same person, just in multiple roles in your case. I also suggest doing as much reading, listening, and watching as if you wanted to be their Dominant. Take your time, get to know the role for yourself instead of just being ancillary to it, and see if it fits. When you KNOW you are ready, and your partner is too, please consult the Game Changer section for the next step.
Dom Talos - For the modern deviant 
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