PART 3: D/s Relationship in Play
Practical Practices – Day to Day
If you have made it this far, congratulations!! I know that sounds like an odd thing to say but it can be a lot to reach this point in the experience. Even reaching the point where you have found a Dominant that feels suitable for you and your legacy partner is a big deal. And you thought just finding a life partner was challenging, right? Sheesh. Okay, let’s work on making it all work.
I am going to have a term change for this section as well as one in tone. I will refer to the interested partner as the ‘Active Partner’ or submissive at times, and assume that the Active Partner is doing most of the reading in this section. I still stand by the intention that I feel that both the legacy partner and the Dominant read this section for their information and understanding; it’s just not as essential that they do.
Boundary check in with legacy Partner, and Dominant – For Everyone
By now, you have likely had a series scenes with your Dominant or will likely have them soon. One of the suggestions I have is that you check in with both your legacy partner and your Dominant on boundaries. I don’t mean in the sense about if they know them; though that’s good to check on as well. I’m referring to how they are doing with the Boundaries in place – for the relationship that they have with you.
Going forward, it wil be about maintaining balance in three ways; for needs, your legacy partner’s needs, and your Dominants needs. Is everyone’s needs being addressed? Is everyone you are sharing your time with getting fair attention? Is everyone still good with how things are going with the standing arrangement? Making sure everyone voices their opinion if they have one is important so you know what’s going on.
Conversely, this is also about your needs and boundaries. Make sure you aren’t getting pressured unduly with either or both partners in this circumstance – wanting to have a D/s relationship, even if it’s intentionally outside of your legacy partnership, isn’t a debt you have to atone for. Nor should you feel that are doing something wrong having a legacy partnership instead of being single to address these interests.
I suggest that you check in at least the first half dozen scene meetups with your Dominant with both partners then every three or four sessions past. You will get a feel for when you need to check in, though it’s a good idea to check when there are any changes in scene play that are intense and/or life changes that happen in your legacy partnership/personal life. Regular communication keeps the drama at bay and conflicts addressed at a timely fashion.
To share or not to Share? – For Everyone
A part of being in this scene is about how much does the legacy partner want to see, and/or experience? A legacy partner might also not want to know a lot of details beyond safety. Or on the other hand, they might want to see video, audio, and anything that the Active Partner and the Dominant want to share with them. This sub-section is about suggesions, etiquette, and best practices thereof.
Before I get too deep, I will make a point from a previous blog – I feel that “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” level of apprehension is a sign of strong reluctance and concerning reservations regarding this kind of lifestyle. It’s normal to be concerned, anxious, overthinking things frequently, or worried for your partner – either partner. But if the topic is one that causes someone to hard shut down or need to change the topic constantly, it is advised that you stop, review, and talk everything through.
What I do suggest is that if the Dominant and the Active partner are comfortable with it, is recording the sessions, either audio and/or video, and letting the legacy partner watch/listen when they are ready. It could take a few sessions fefore they are up for it but once they have their heads wrapped around the idea and the concern is reasonably assauged, it helps them understand the scene work better if they are unfamiliar with it.
It’s best that this is first discussed, agreed upon, recordings made, and that the legacy partner watches/listens at their comfort and that no one feels pressured into this. It is, at the end of the day, an option and not at all a requirement. If you are doing regular boundary check-ins with both partners, that is more than sufficient in making sure everything is going smooth and everyone is okay. This is more about the legacy partner learning about a different side of the Active partner that they might not know.
For me, this is a matter of compersion; or the euphoric feeling one gets when they hear and/or see their partner enjoying themsleves with someone else. This brings a sense of exhibitionism and voyeurism to the union and can give the legacy partner a sense of involvement and pleasure. It’s getting to experience the active partner’s joy from an external perspective that one can’t observe fully while directly sharing the same experience.
To that end, I offer that this needs to be offered and not insisted. There are going to be times where a recording may not be possible and there should not be ANY guilt when that happens because it will taint the circumstance fast. It turns a fun scene into a job and no one wants that. Also, I recommend only having this option semi-regularly, as things are starting up, as it can become tedious for the Active partner and the Dominant, as well as feeling like they have to perform for the legacy partner. But hey, if you three try it on, and it becomes a regular thing; more power to you!!
Keeping an eye on oven Temp – For the Active Partner
I’m sure you are mildly lost at my use of an mixed application metaphor but it has value; this section is about how to balance things with both parterns sexually and not leaving either in the lurch. For some of us, this is arousing enough to keep the sex drive in a near idle state at any time but after a while it can be a touch taxing. Some of the points are a little rehash but for the right reasons, if nothing else repositioned for this particular application.
Reserved Rituals – One suggestion I brought up previously is keeping certain behaviors, or intimate rituals, just for your legacy partner and your Dominant. Things that may be somewhat practical but have a personal flair or touch to them. Like for instance, you wear specific scent for your legacy partner but a different one for your Dominant. Having a set of sexy clothes just for date night and an outfit just for your Dominant. These will help you keep subtle separation in your mind while presenting yourself uniquely to your respective partners.
The Same Night paradox – This can happen especially in the beginning when your legacy partner needs to have intimate reassurance that they are still worthy of your attention and to generally reconnect after scene time. Hell sometimes it can happen because you had a very intense scene and just talking about it causes some pulses to quicken. Either way, here’s a few notes on managing it if you need to:
Set Expectations before anything starts if need be – Make sure to tell at least the first partner and if necessary the second, where you are at physically and/or sexually so if you are too tired to do much more than participate with a smile and show up, they know not to take it personal.
Sneak in a Shower and Touch up – If non-monogamy is still new to you and your legacy partner, sneaking a quick shower and scent reset is a good call. Your previous partner’s scent will be on you and it may be a distraction/turn off potentially for the other. It also gives you a chance to recenter on your own before enjoying the company of your other partner.
Focus on the now – Sometimes a hot scene can linger in your head or maybe your legacy partner did someting romantic AND hot AF before you left for your D/s scene. Center with the current parter with cuddles, mirrored breathing, and/or some deep convo first for best results.
Keeping a clear schedule – This could be its own section but I will keep it to the point (and just link my public blog post about it). The best way to manage expectations is to keep a shared calendar online and make sure both/all partners are viewing it. If you can talk them into it, having all three calendars visible is really helpful. The tricker part is sticking to the schedule but I have faith in your ability to adapt (you made it this far!). When there is a visual understanding of time consumption, it helps calm nerves quickly.
Non Conflict Kink tasks/homework – For the Active Partner and Dominant
One of the opportunities that a Dominant who has a submissive in a legacy relationship is remote kink tasks; whether it’s sexually related or just a form of predicament play. These tasks can be challenging to fulfill whether is either a domestic care partner or if they are employed outside of the home and have limited time at home to fulfill said tasks. Moreover, it can be challenging because the play experience moves from being in an in person space and time to something much more home based and likely will affect the legacy partner.
Like many things in this experience, if handled poorly, it can be very devastating and messy but if handled well, it can be rewarding for everyone involved. I’m going to first discuss the concept of this form of play as well as neutral ways to approach it in this section. I’m going to go into mutual play and involvement in the next one so we don’t mix the two concepts (as the other is very much an upper level expression of this concept). It can be tricky but it can be done with reasonable success – but again, remember, if it doesn’t fit, don’t force it; it will break something.
Formatting is everything – It’s something that should be addressed during a continuous negotiation follow up session if possible, if it hasn’t already in the primary negotiation stage so everyone is on the same page. How tasks are shared, what tasks are considered reasonable as an example, how a Submissive can, if necessary, decline a task and have a way to do so without being disrespectful, or even as if a pause/delay can be asked for if there is a conflict. It is unto itself it’s own scene and can come up after things have solidified due to scheduling conflicts or just a general interest to increase kink play without increasing visit duration or frequency.
To Code or not to Code – Sometimes its best to have coded messages shared if there are children involved or anyone who might accidentally see a text or Facebook message and wonder what it is about. I have used this approach a few times and it can be very helpful as long as the ‘key’ or legend of each character/number used is available and/or readily interpreted with reasonable accuracy. I suggest making it challenging enough that it can’t be readily guessed but not so obtuse you have to double check everything prior to fulfilling the tasks. Also for transparency and visibility, I highly suggest that the legacy partner knows the key to avoid mistrust issues.
A good example is a high context message with concrete details such as action, goal, deadline, variant category, desired number of successes, whether or not the submissive is allowed to reach orgasm. If the intent is sexual in nature for example, actions can be designated by sexual organ involved as it’s presumed that an orgasm is expected. Everything is represented by a single character in sequential order – like PC15A2Y; which is Penis/Pussy, to Release/Cum, 3 pm in 24 hour time, Anal play required, 2 attempts, yes to release.
Reporting in – Though this could either fall under Formatting and/or Coding, I decided to give it it’s own subsection for clarity. Once a task has been completed, does it need to be reported/recorded? How is it recorded if need be? Knowing what your limitations are are important when taking a task; it could be hard to record you profoundly releasing yourself while in a dark closet with your bottoms crammed into your mouth as a gag (I suggest audio recording for that unless you really don’t mind the data charges for a video). This very much should both be something covered in formatting negotiations AND in a coded message (like R for reporting in or Rr for both).
Short and Sweet , fast and clear – Remote kink tasks are best done as elegant, simple, and intense if possible. The previous commentary regarding to code or not to code is a good short and sweet example. Anything that is ongoing during a day has to be something that is likely discrete unless it’s convenient to make it not so (see later section). The Dominant could ask that the Active partner wears insertable vagina balls/beads but if they have to give a presentation during it, having an out is good or pausing it until later. Writing their name on a body part that can be hidden by clothes is good, on the forehead might be a little too much.
Kinky Tasks; ranging from mild to complicating – Here’s a few suggestions I have for kinky/predicament play tasks that are both sexual and non-sexual, ranging from mild to quite complicated; all involving underwear for fun:
- Dominant having three options to pick out for the Active Partner to wear.
- Dominant giving a specific color and/or type of underwear for the Active Partner to wear.
- Dominant requiring there be no underwear for the Active partner for the day.
- Dominant requiring the Active partner orgasm three times only wearing their underwear.
- Dominant requiring that they gag themselves with their underwear while masturbating.
- Dominant requiring the Active Partner to drop off their freshly used bottoms (post sex).
- Dominant requiring the Active partner to wear rope under their underwear all day.
- Dominant requiring the Active partner to wear fruit rollups instead of underwear then consuming it.
Best of Both Worlds Kink tasks/homework – For Everyone
There’s an opportunity that can be grasped if the Dominant is a Service Top/Dominant and both the Active and Legacy partner are interested in trying it. It will take some conversation, finesse, and willing partners across the board to pull it off, but it can be really amazing. The tricky part is to keep it light, fun, and suitably intense so there’s enjoyment for everyone and it doesn’t feel like the legacy partner is getting topped mildly (or less than mildly) as well.
Best of both world tasks are tasks that offer a benefit for both the Dominant as well as the Legacy partner; meaning that the Active partner commits an action or a series of them for the Dominant that the outcome is good for the legacy partner. It’s a matter of making sure also to not put the Active partner in a position where they are feeling like they are getting used (unless that’s a kink that works for everyone then by all means, definitely run with this!) but more important that they are not being abused/have their consent ignored or not received.
Examples could be anything from the Dominant asking the Active partner to wear a specific underway set (if applicable) and a butt plug for a task but encourage leaving both the clothes and plug into place. Or even creating a scenario where the legacy partner will watch a task in person taking place, knowing that it is a fetish for the legacy partner, who will then likely pounce the active partner to express their pleasure in seeing such an act. Or asking for assistance in completing a task for the Dominant that requires the legacy partner’s help.
As you can likely imagine, this is more of a wide suggestion than a concrete point as it both requires active interest and what all parties involved are both comfortable and interested in. This is something that I suggest is felt out after the relationship between the Dominant and the Active partner is in motion and everyone has gotten comfortable with the situation for some time. Also, the ability and option to decline any of these considerations needs to be expressly stated or it grinds into the non-consensual realm rapidly. But if there is interest and all parties are into it, I highly suggest it!
Performance Rationing – For the Interested Partner
One of the trickiest parts of such an arrangement is really the balancing act of making sure that everyone is receiving reasonable to moderate levels of intimacy and attention. Unlike the note I have above about sexual activities, this is actually about kink interactions, sessions, aftercare sessions, munches – the scene really. It’s really easy to get sucked into this culture and want ALL OF IT, ALL THE TIME and suddenly your either disinterested/mildly interested legacy partner is shut out fast. Let’s work on that.
Life commitment assessment (including legacy partner) – Though it’s very likely you have already done this in Part 1, but reviewing and reassessing every few weeks with your legacy partner is suggested. A life commitment assessment ranges from practical necessities (like domestic chores, work life, raising kids) to standing traditions and arrangements with your legacy partner.
It’s good to pause now and then on a normal emotional level to see whether or not your routine, prior to having a kink partner, was serving you, your legacy partner, and/or any dependents you have. It’s easy to fall into a routine due to life and the reason you needed to has ceased or isn’t necessary anymore. It will also help you lock down any routine or tradition that is an anchoring event for your legacy partner so they are not ‘trampled’ by accident.
The Part time Lover Principle – I mentioned this in passing I believe in Part 1 but a secondary kind Dominant is in a lot of ways like having a part time lover; because they are effectively. It’s very cheesy because it does give a nod to the song naturally by Stevie Wonder but it has merit. Your average part time job is anywhere from 10 to 20 hours a week on a 80 hour “working” week but it can ramp up to about 30 hours on rough week.
It’s a good mentality to keep in mind when attempting to balance out your interest with your legacy partner and your Dominant. I suggest keeping interaction, whether it’s txting/messaging, calls, sessions, the whole scene, to at max 1/3 of your week but on average about 1/4 of the week. Naturally, there will be ebbs and flows on this interaction but this keeps the lid on things.
The Block Scheduling Method – My apologizes for any parents out there in the world if this phrase causes you to twitch; I promise this isn’t school related! Dialing back to the suggestion of having an online calendar, this is using the block scheduling method for kink play/personal living that makes your life a lot more sane. It’s best to sit down and look at your life as time blocks and make it realistic on expectations.
I bring this up to give this advise, the average kink scene in my experience, start to finish, is roughly 2 hours on average, 3 hours if there is rope as well as any other bondage/sexy times. I suggest using these “blocks” as frames so if the scene runs short or even long, your legacy partner doesn’t start to loose their minds at the lack of a check in or a message you are on your way home. Always plan long in 30 minute blocks.
Voice Play / Come on Command Considerations – For Everyone
One of the more popular kinks in D/s play is Voice Play and Come On Command; where a Dominant can either use structured coaxing to get a submissive to orgasm or even create permission control on whether or not they can actually orgasm or not. This can be either through a goading condition method “Good Girls/Boys/Pets/Subs Come for me” to a reassuring conditioning approach “Good Girls/Boys/Pets/Subs deserve orgasms” as the interested Partner is orgasming to reinforce the Dominant’s voice as a part of the interested partner orgasming.
Moreover, there is the option also of Voice Play/Hypnosis – for most people, this works to a fashion where it’s like a guided meditation/visualization more than cinematic mind control but it can be quickly addictive and conditioned into the interested partner quickly. It can be very euphoric and I’ve personally experienced considered worked efforts of hypnosis with great pleasure. Though it won’t make you rob a bank or walk on water, it can be very intense and profound. But also very disruptive at the same time.
I had a partner that I worked with on hypnosis work and Voice Play so frequently they were struggling with orgasming with other partners without having to mentally “hear” me tell them it’s okay or flat out have no functional orgasm. We ended up having to take a break from sexual interactions for a few weeks so they could reset. Thankfully they were able to recondition themselves into reaching a natural orgasm on their own so the problem was worked out. It can be very great in a monogamous/closed poly setting as you can build this to a very personal setting but in an open relationship it can be messy.
Am I saying run screaming into the night away from Voice Play or hypnosis in this setting? No. But it’s important to keep in mind that it can be very addictive and habit forming quickly so I suggest using this gently and infrequently to avoid this outcome. Or perhaps if everyone is onboard with this change and both the legacy partner and the Dominant enjoy having the “verbal” keys to making the interested partner find themselves rapidly, more power to all of you – but it will likely take some reconditioning to step away from this option.
Adornments / Possessive Jewelry (aside from Collaring)
Deep in all our hearts, I don’t know if we’re all Magpies and/or Goblins but we all surely enjoy giving and receiving Jewelry as a display of affection and to various degrees, ownership. Although Collaring can be perceived as intense if not more so than marriage itself in the eyes of some kinksters, adornments and/or forms of possessive jewelry can be as well, albeit to a less fashion (normally). Though I would like to point out that if you are considering collaring, I suggest possessive jewelry first to see how it “fits” in the relationship before taking that step.
I could put in an extensive breakdown of what could be perceived as possessive jewelry or gifts but it’s subjective as fuck; especially if you have an anchoring moment attached to a particular gift. It may be be a big deal for one partnership for the interested partner to receive pearl earrings but it could be a massive faux pas to the next as the legacy partner gave the interested party that they inherited from their grandparents.
What I am going to do instead suggest having a specific conversation if it does come up organically in later stages of the D/s relationship. I suggest later on because this is easily something that could trigger a barely calm or not calm at all legacy partner who’s still processing that their life partner is getting regularly pony’d, plugged, and spanked by someone they just met 3 months ago. This is definitely a dozen sessions and/or a few months into the scene that I would suggest this topic at all if collaring isn’t an option.
I suggest making an inventory of items that would be a non-starter/non-conflict for both the legacy partner and the interested party if the Dominant asks to gift their submissive with regular wear jewelry. Perhaps a choker, a bracelet, non-ring finger sized rings, toe rings, or even the rare necklace is an option. I would suggest against getting anything pierced permanently and having jewelry put in that way because that is definitely a sign of commitment unless everyone is on board with it.
Continuous Communication/Checking In – For everyone
Tired of hearing this? I bring this up a lot because it’s the number one thing that will tank a tension filled opportunity like this because people are too worried to speak up. They don’t want to rock the boat, they want to make the other partner happy so they go along with it. Don’t worry, we’re all wired this way; we want to make our partners happy, we want the love we share to be meaningful and support our loved ones. Or maybe you don’t realize something is bothering you or feel it’s too late to say anything. It’s not too late; too late is after something is broken and/or someone is done. Please check in often.
One of the unexpected benefits of this opportunity is how much it actually DEEPENS your connection with each other because you have to open everything up and talk about it. Good D/s does that for everyone involved, even the partners who are indirectly involved; it makes you address your primal needs and truly be honest about them. It takes vulnerability, trust, love, and faith to do that and whether you realized it or not; it can actually change your relationship for the better. You HAVE TO talk more, check in more, it becomes vital to keep those lines open and suddenly doubts go away because you know. You know it all because you need to, it becomes normal to talk about everything.
So let’s talk about more than crowing about the values of this opportunity and actually review some options for Continous Communication methods, tricks, and options:
Dinner and conversations – Everyone involved – Man I’m not slowing down am I? At this stage, I would suggest that everyone met up in a social setting; whether it’s the first or the second time after the D/s relationship has started up. It’s important that someone who has regular influence on your relationship, and the Dominant themselves, to at least get to know everyone, including and especially the legacy partner. I HIGHLY suggest that the conversation, at least is almost like a first date – get to know each other as people and THEN get into sensitive D/s topics if everyone is comfortable with it.
I do also also suggest the first couple of ‘group’ met ups is at a restaurant or at least away from everyone’s homes/play spaces so it’s neutral ground. Not to avoid conflict, just to ease into interaction. Once everyone has had some time in personally connecting with one another outside of the newly forged kink connection/scene you have going on, then going to a play space if everyone is interested is a good idea. I don’t think it needs to happen but it can at times help a legacy partner understand everything. I do recommend not letting the legacy partner ‘sandbox’ too much as it leads to separate (see the Toolbox in Part 4).
Continuous Communication Conversations vs Checking in – When I mean continuous communication conversations, it’s far less what many perceive; endless and constant conversations, and more direct and clear touch points. And when I mean checking in, checking in is when you are specifically asking about a change or an adjustment to make sure the legacy/interested partner/kink partner is doing well/reasonably well with a situation specifically versus a general continuous communication conversation. You would check in before, potentially during, and after a huge change (first session, major change in routine, first time sex is involved, etc) whereas the former is paradigm/behavior change.
An example for continuous communication conversation (C3) is the broad version and an open ended question. It’s a step up from “Hey, how’s it going to?” to “How’s is my time with X doing with you?” or “How’s things with X going?” It’s important to keep an even, chill frequency on this front so neither partner are stress hovering or so stepped away from it that neither forget to bring something up. Things can progress unexpectedly on the other side of the relationship so semi-regular C3s keep pop up crises from living up to their names. I suggest anything from every other day at first to once a week or so having a quick convo about things just to make sure the lines of communication are staying clear.
Dom Talos - For the modern deviant 
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