Outsourcing your Sadism

Part 2: Negotiation Phase – For you and the Dominant

Space / Availability expectations – For the Dominant

If they don’t offer this information, it’s important to know so I highly suggest inquiring. Find out from them what spaces they plan to use with the interested partner; including and especially if these spaces are private, privileged (closed scenes, parties), or public (open scenes, organizational gatherings). It is also good to know in advance whether or not they share their living space and/or expect your relationship with them to be shared or known for roommates, partners living with them, or even family members at home.

Another expectation to be aware of is whether or not there is interest with the Dominant to have remote performance based play during what would be the interested partner’s work schedule or even family time. I go into detail on this concept later on but it’s good to know upfront on this topic whether or not there is specific interest in predicament play regarding getting off discreetly during a domestic or occupational activity as it may not be an option during working hours or even at home not in a bedroom setting.

Dom’s Background – For the Dominant

It’s important to know what sort of background the Dominant may have. This does range from everything from personal kink experience to even whether or not they have a criminal history and if so, to what degree. Again, this can get really intrusive but knowing everything about the person that you will be putting significant trust and value into, including and especially your wellbeing and maybe your life, that this is covered. Asking the right questions gives you the best experience and the safest one.

I suggest asking the following background questions:

Have you ever been a sub/bottom and what was that experience like?
How many subs/bottoms have you had before and are you still with them?
Have you trained with anyone? Who do you view as your role models?
How long have you been actively Dominating?
How long have you been actively kinky?
Have you had a partner have intense drop and what did you do when they did?
What kink/fetish communities are you active in?
Have you had kink partners outside of your primary romantic partnerships?
What is your experience with subs/bottoms with a life/legacy partner?
Are you presently married or in a primary relationship with someone?
Do you have a criminal record and/or any former or active legal concerns?
Do you identify as neurotypical or neurodivergent and if you are neurodivergent, what is your divergence and how have you been handling this presently?

NOTE: I do bring up neurodivergence and it’s not a deal breaker; but it’s something that needs to be clear 1000% from the beginning. Kink living is very subculture and many people call to this (including myself, I am neurodivergent) lifestyle as a form of seeking acceptance, love, and belong just like everyone else. It needs to be something that is known, acknowledged, and worked with if this is the case so everyone is on the same page. It can be a deal breaker if it needs to be, to be clear, but it needs to be known.

Current Partners (subs, slaves, lovers, spouses) – For the Dominant

Another straightforward thankfully but very important. Often times Dominants are non-monogamous and may or may not have exclusivity on their kink practices. Conversely, there are a lot of dominants who prefer to have a singular submissive so they can focus on them specifically. Either way, it is an expectation to have in mind so it plays into how much time and attention is available from the Dominant with their other relationships.

I also suggest another device I use to keep such details clear and it’s a Polycule map. I will attach an example to this email and at some point, I will be writing a blog post about that topic. It can be very useful to have a bird’s eye view of who’s connected to who. It covers a listing of circumstances that you can toggle, between lovers, partners, bottoms, polycule adjacent, the whole nine yards. It can be very useful.

Their Interests; sexually and kink related – For the Dominant

Nothing that you couldn’t already put together from subject header. What are their expectations on sex with the interested partner? How tied to the scene work is it for the Dominant? How soon are they expecting/desiring to bring sexual activity into the kink play? What are their fetishes? What are their turn offs? Is sex a necessary part of their kink experience? Are they turned off by blood if the interested partner is female?

Their Frequency and Interaction expectations – For the Dominant

Also rather expected kind of questions but I’m going to throw a few out there to be sure. How often are they desiring to have in person scene time? How frequently are they hoping to have remote play time and attention? Are they desiring to go on dates with the interested partner? Are they hoping that the interested partner will be able to cook meals for them on their time together? Do they prefer weekends or week nights?

Collaring: What is their experience, expectations, interpretation of collaring – For you and the Dominant

Very much along the lines of my previous commentary for the interested partner. Is collaring a strong part of the Dominant’s personal kink culture? Do they view it as a statement of possession or simply a play tool for restraint? What kind of terms comes with having a collar with them? Are they collared by someone else? Have they collared anyone else before? Have they had someone turn down being collared before?

Ideally, they are of the mindset that there is a difference between a play collar and a commitment collar; which is how many distinguish the difference. Another consideration to have is to keep the idea of a commitment collar off the table for the foreseeable future so the pressure isn’t there to build to it. That way, if the interested partner is enjoying the connection/relationship and the legacy partner is comfortable with it, a commitment collar can be discussed. But again, only a suggestion.

Dominant Style? – For the Dominant

This is more of a subjective question but one that can have an expansive response if there isn’t a definitive answer. Dominant style really is a descriptive concept that some Dominants may not even think about. It really comes down to concepts really. How does the dominant see themselves? Are they more of a classic capital control authority figure with need for control and fetishized discipline? Do they see themselves as a neo-classic Executive Dominant who wears a suit and keeps their toys in a briefcase when scening with their subs? Do they see themselves as a Primal creature looking to have very intense, passionate domination play that is very physical but very sexual?

As odd as it sounds, it’s really how they identify as a Dominant as well. Do they see themselves as a Top look for a bottom? As a Dom/Domme looking for a sub? Or as a Predator looking for Prey? Maybe a Keeper looking for a Pet? Maybe even a Leather Daddy looking for a Pup? Intent leads to definition and thus appropriate terms and identity thereof.

Dominant Methods? – for the Dominant

Dovetailing off the previous question section – Domination style is very much subjective and based on intent, identity, and tempered by experience. Is their Dominant style cold and aloof? Sultry and driven? Growling and Prowling? Strict and firm? Are they a bedroom master reaching out for more casual opportunities and want a sub to kneel at their feet? Perhaps they are all the above or an interesting mixture of both. I suggest keeping the question open for them and see what they say.

One important conversation to have is whether or not they believe in classic conditioning style domination or lean more towards passion style domination? The difference being really whether or not their power exchange paradigm focuses on predicament play with erotic punishments upon failure or whether their approach is more erotic utility for the sake of itself – less balancing tea saucers on the head for an orgasm for success and more bindings, flogging, fisting, wax dripping, spanking, screaming into a gag sort of way. Many fit somewhere in between but knowing their personal preference is good.

Their Boundaries / Hard limits – for the Dominant

A part of any good kink negotiation is soft and hard limits of the submissive/interested party and naturally the intent of the Dominant but often overlooked are the boundaries and hard limits of the Dominant.

It seems obtuse and even silly since there is a power exchange in place but they are still a person and have boundaries and hard limits too. They themselves may not even have thought about it in this context but they should. Having these hashed out in the negotiation phase, even starting them, helps keep any conflicts from happening and the connection smooth.

Hard Limits for Dominants are often less physical and more emotional and mental. They could be anything from having a safe word for needing a more to respond on remote play, limits on how often they can respond to messages from the interested partner, even kinks or fetishes that are hard turn offs that they will not be able to address with the interested partner.

For example, some people are very into violent contact such as choking and face slapping; it’s very normal for a bottom to desire that but the Dominant is not comfortable with either or one or the other. I for one used to do face slapping for a previous partner and bottom and frankly don’t want to ever do it again – it’s a hard limit for me.

Safe Communication – For you and the Dominant

This section is more of a follow up from the previous section above regarding the pre-search topic of safe communication. The interested partner should negotiate with the Dominant regarding how they would like to have safe communication to a fault.

This is a topic that the interested partner should already have formed preferences on and should be firm about what their preferences, phrases, and responses are. Finite details are somewhat negotiable but it’s important that you do not undermine your personal safety over a Dominant’s preferences or interests. If they don’t take them seriously, your consent could be at risk, and I would consider that a red flag.

Conversely, a seasoned Dominant may even have a better suggestion that I have offered or what you are considering – it’s why I suggest bring this to the table as a negotiation point and not a iron clad one. But I do highly suggest hearing any changes or suggestions and running them past your legacy partner and/or another member of the community before agreeing to them if they are different that your preferences to be sure. Again, a seasoned Dominant is going to be understanding first and put your safety and certainty of faith in them first before their preferences or experience.

Aftercare Policy (what to ask for, and what to expect) – For you and the Dominant

Again, a straightforward bullet point but an essential review. What is their post scene aftercare policy? What is their follow up aftercare policy? Have they ever dealt with scene fall out with a bottom before? Do they struggle with ‘Dom Drop’ (which is genuinely a thing, I’m not kidding) and need follow up aftercare as well? What is their experience with aftercare? Does it need to require sex or can it just be cuddling/contact? Do they have private space for the both of you to recover?

Naturally it is important that you not only negotiate this point firmly and are both clear on it, that they agree to your terms and equally theirs. Again, this is something that you should have a good idea on what you need at this juncture but are willing to hear out alternative approaches or needs of the Dominant. And you guessed it, if their terms will not meet yours, don’t force it – Aftercare is frequently overlooked and when it is, it can be emotionally, mentally, and even physically dangerous so make sure it’s agreed upon.

Fluid Bonding and Exclusivity – For you and the Dominant

Very much a follow up on the topic previously regarding Fluid Bonding and Fluid Exclusivity; though in this instance it’s often a straight forward accept or decline negotiation point that the Dominant (or the interested partner) feels is a deal breaker if there isn’t commonality or pleasant indifference on the matter. I suggest covering this up front, even if sex of any kind is on the table, to know where the boundaries are. If nothing else, it’s a short, clear conversation and everyone is on the same page.

If there is an interesting in fluid bonding, it’s important for the Dominant to know where and what is desired and what is not. If there is a limitation, making sure you know that the Dominant is allergic to is important so you have the right boundary option if the interested partner is supplying it (and it could be a requirement that the Dominant offers them, it sounds silly but being clear about this avoids challenging conflicts in scene).

It’s important to know who the Dominant has recently been fluid bonded to (unprotected sex; oral, anal, and vaginal), the last time they were tested, and who they are currently sexually intimate with if fluid bonding of any kind is a consideration. This includes oral as STIs can easily come on with no symptoms and it’s easy to overlook it when you are in the process of receiving attentions from your Dominant. I will go over changes later in the Game Changers section regarding changes in fluid bonded circles.

Social Visibility Preferences – For you and the Dominant

A strong negotiation point that already covered with the legacy partner for their input for the sake of the legacy relationship. Often times a Dominant would prefer to list something on FetLife if both the interested partner and themselves are on it (or will be) but it’s also about expectations for social gatherings. For instance, going to parties and perhaps even high protocol dinners where the submissives serve their Dominants. What are their expectations both to their friends if applicable and/or public/private gatherings?

Some may even go as far as wanting to list you as a partner on Facebook, which has its own complications as one could expect. Or wearing jewelry from them on a regular basis as a sign of adornment if collaring is not an option either temporarily or at all. This ties back into both collaring and titles; make sure you know how they want to display you in public and also what they would expect of you while in public if that’s a part of your dynamic. It could come as a shock if they prefer to stand in front of you or have you kneel whenever they are seated in their presence, etc.

Offer them the Kink Checklist – For you and the Dominant

This is an option for you to share what your interests are and to see if they are interested in filling it out as well so you have an idea of what their experience is, as a bottom potentially but also as a Dominant/Top. This is not at all a self-plug, I would suggest sharing any detailed information you are comfortable with, including this list, online tests, or any other filters or discernment you have made to help share kink interests and experiences.

Review expectations with All parties involved – For Everyone

If you haven’t met the Dominant face to face yet (I have written the previous section assuming this has all happened online or over the phone), it’s important to review all the information gathered from the Dominant and touch base with your legacy partner to cover everything. New ideas may be more suitable to what you originally thought about and should be considered to be sure. Once the legacy partner is comfortable with these terms and the interested party is to, then it’s onto the first meet up.

First Meet up – For you, your legacy partner, and the Dominant

It’s important that the first time you meet a potential Dominant that they meet your legacy partner and both are not only aware of each other, but also get to know each other. It doesn’t need to be as strong as a metamor relationship but at least have some level of social interaction so it helps put names to facing and both getting to know the other partner in the lives of the partner they could be potentially sharing.

Though it may go as expected, I naturally suggest that if you meet in person on the first meeting, it should be somewhere fairly neutral and agreed upon that gives all parties involved personal distance from daily routines. I also recommend it be a diner or a coffee house, nowhere that involves alcohol so the temptation to drink your nerves or have a required drink isn’t an issue. Not a hard line but I suggest this so you don’t get talked into doing something while intoxicated that you wouldn’t agree to sober.

Finally it’s important to ask any question within reason with the Dominant and expect the same back. This can be a very thorough and intense relationship so holding back on a concern, a worry, or even a curiosity isn’t a good call. Moreover, it sets a precedent mentally that you are reserved and it’s not a good precedent to start when you are about to start a relationship is its own form of kink and is beyond quinessential.

NOTE: This is going to feel a bit like a job interview. It’s close, it’s a role interview, the difference is that you aren’t paying this person in money but instead sharing an intimate experience. You are, in effect, having a blend of a romantic relationship, even if romance and/or sex isn’t on the table, and a very specific role in your life. It’s important to be critical, thorough, and certain – so when it’s underway, you can enjoy getting tormented in ecstasy and not worrying about if you are safe or not.

Review with Legacy Partners then Dominant – For Everyone

After the meet up is done, it’s good to take a day or a week to consider how everything went so you aren’t jumping in hot. Again, just my advice – being sure is most important.

It’s really easy to get excited about all the options and dive in face first into this new lifestyle but it’s just that – it is absolutely a lifestyle change. You are functionally no longer monogamous when you have a secondary Dominant, you are non-monogamous and it can change EVERYTHING. Things I have and have not covered because maybe you have unique situations I haven’t but it affects far more than you can imagine very quickly. Take your time to discuss, consider, reconsider, and finalize your decision.

If everything looks good and everyone is on board in your legacy relationship, I suggest doing a proper test scene with the Dominant to see how their style is. If you are feeling very daring and are up for it – I would keep it foreplay only. Let the scene do it’s work but keep sex off the table if that’s considered. It builds up the tension and interest but you also get an idea for their style and approach before adding sexual chemistry to it.

If the practice scene goes well, touch base with the Legacy partner to see how they are holding up. This is a very new experience for both of you; but keep in mind that the interested partner is getting the goods on the change, the supporting partner is learning what compersion is (the joy received seeing their partner being enjoyed by someone else) and it can a very new and awkward emotion for them if they haven’t experienced it previously. Make sure they are doing well and that the chance is still favorable.

If everything is looking good, play on!

Dom Talos – For the modern deviant