Dom Talos – For the modern deviant

If you want to be my Lover, you got to get with my STANDARDS OF RESPECT AND LOVE I HAVE FOR MY PEOPLE and visa versa. ❤

One of my favorite stories I’ve ever read was when a Bull was commenting on the surreal/weirdness of a husband walking into the bedroom while he was thoroughly pleasuring this man’s wife and have said husband strike up a conversation with them. You know, mid-coitus. ‘Love the new Star Wars movie, don’t you? Great lady ain’t she?’

Now in certain situations, this could be wholly welcomed but in others it can be disruptive as fuck. It’s almost a humorous reverse cuckolding I suppose but being a prankster isn’t going to go over well at the wrong time. Especially when you are attempting to achieve orgasm and have alone time with a metamour.

One of the corner stone aspects of non-monogamy is simply this – Metamours. Regardless if you are polyamorous or promiscuous, you will encounter them. Though I will focus primarily on behaviors that help encourage polyamorous relationships, I hope that this still is helpful for those who observe promiscuity.

To clarify further, I’m going to focus on unstructured relationships and/or the early stages of a relationship with the presence of a metamour – I’m going to cover both hierarchy relationships and secondaries (solidified metamours) in further detail in separate blogs, this is just more about generalized manners with a metamour.

It’s weird to think about but metamours are a part of your life, even if they are not in fact your partner at all. Their choices, behavior, words, actions, and interests do affect yours as does yours to them – whether it’s indirectly or directly it very much happens. It’s easier when it’s a promiscuous scene as they are likely passing but it still happens. Let’s look at some good practices that help in general to make things go smoothly.

1. Treat them with respect and thoughtfulness – It’s very likely that your partner(s) and you have a very solid relationship but a metamour is still a person with dignity and respect. Sex can be ultra casual but it’s not grounds to get weird around people. You shouldn’t interrupt their time with your partner unless a strict arrangement has been previously arranged or it’s an emergency. You would want the same, right?
   
   
2. Make sure to communicate your boundaries; even if you think they are obvious – One moment that caught me off guard was when I was transitioning out of my previous marriage and my former spouse’s new partner was wearing my personal robe around the house. I didn’t go Al Pacino in Heat over the issue, I addressed it politely and we made adjustments. It’s important to talk with at least your partner about your personal boundaries and what objects, interests, and desires you hold personal and intimate to you. If something comes up while things are in motion, talk about it when it’s an appropriate time and that it will be well received.
   
   
3. Respect your partner and their relationship with their partners – This point calls back to both points previously; the first regarding outward respect and the second inward respect. To crown both these points is also respecting your partner in their autonomy in their separate relationship with their partner. It’s really easy to see their relationship as an extension of yours but in fact it’s not. If you have a concern, it’s important to voice it reasonably and honestly. Controlling what happens in that relationship is your partner’s decision – you have to trust them to make those choices. Attempting to side-saddle their union is not only bad manners but very damaging (unless you all are into that so more power to you but be careful and clear on communication).
   
   
4. Build a relationship with your metamour – If there is or will be a lot of reoccurrence with your metamour and your partner, I highly suggest creating a relationship between yourself and your metamour. I definitely do not mean you should sleep with them (but again, if all parties are for this, why not?) but more importantly create at least a platonic connection to them. Get to know them, ask questions, get comfortable with them at least in passing in group social events like card or board games. To support my partner’s metamour, I bought them a robe to show that they are part of our house and will be welcome to be at home in it, as an example. I gladly hang out with them when my partner isn’t home and I enjoy their company, even though there is no attraction between us, we’re great friends.
   
   
5. As a metamour, respect your partner’s partners – On the reverse perspective; if you are a metamour (as many of us frequently are) to your partner’s partner, it’s important to treat that relationship just as important as yours with your partner. In this instance, it is important, in my mind and experience, that if you are a new addition to a standing/legacy relationship, that you create a connection with the standing partner(s). It adds to the polycule strength and support when you do so.

What sort of situations have you been in with metamours? Positive? Negative? Please share your thoughts in the comments, I’m looking forward to them!

Cheers!

Dom Talos