Dom Talos – For the modern deviant

This is the first article in a series regarding non-monogamy as a subject matter. So the excite!!

Ideally, I will have it all indexed and written in such a manner you almost get a “course” of my writing regarding the subject, touching on many aspects of it. I hope to have it set up so you can literally tab through these writings.

Disclaimer – Let’s be clear here from the beginning (and I will say this often) – these are my own observations, based on my experiences – this is NOT a definitive definition from an authority on the subject. If anyone claims to be the End All/Be All on these topics, they are an asshole, not an authority.

I HIGHLY recommend you read as much you can on these topics and do what works for you, may it harm none, including yourself. I write these things so you understand my experiences and perhaps understand yourself and/or others because of it. It’s why my real name isn’t on these – this isn’t about me, it’s about you!

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Relationship Orientation, ie, whether you identify as monogamous or practicing/observing monogamy, is very much like space travel.  I know right?  A bit obtuse but run with me on it.

One of the reasons I have chosen this model of approach is that many people think that there are two options – monogamy and polyamory.  Either you have a single source for your needs and desires or you are this quagmire of opportunity, chaos, and hot, endless kinky sex.  Sure, sure; just fill out the poly membership card and someone will be in touch for you to set up the hot, endless, kinky sex.  Heh.

Socially speaking, most of mankind observes monogamy; which is a form of dyadic relationship in which one person has another partner for the foreseeable/agreed upon future.  Our whole culture rests on this coupling concept, whether you are straight, gay, bisexual, any sexual – mono means 1.  Sometimes this means marriage, sometimes this means kids – sometimes it means none of the above but you got someone and they are your person.  For the sake of this metamorphic model, we’ll call this ‘Earth.’

In many ways, monogamy, ‘Earth’, is simply a part of the spectrum, a whole galaxy if you will.  I compare romantic exploration to space exploration because of the beauty, wonder, dangers, and sheer intensity that is non-monogamy can very much be like space.  You can’t help but wonder what life would be like if you were living on these other worlds or at least visited them.

Earth, Monogamy, is the base for a reason – there is a lot of safety, security, and familiarity in monogamy – it’s why it’s been so predominant for so long.  It’s not a coincidence and I don’t honestly believe we are biologically wired this way – we chose to be this way – and for very good reasons.  Life can be intense, beautiful, wonderful, and dangerous all on its own and it’s nice to have that security.

The other reason I compare non-monogamy to space exploration:  If you just run into things, you don’t prepare properly, or just get spontaneous – you could seriously fuck up your life. But if you take your time, plan, prepare, explore, adjust, and keep building structures – you could ‘live’ on the planet you look up to at night and dream of every day.  If you take the time, you can make it work.

Some of us feel the pull and instinct to live off world, so to speak. It’s more than a large, uncharted area that is “This Way Monsters Lie” with giant ropy tentacles (joke deliberately avoided).  The other side of Monogamy is … Non-monogamy.  Space.  Whole other worlds and biomes entirely.  Sometimes you fall into these spaces through circumstance, sometimes you just feel a pull towards an exotic planetary.  Sometimes you spend most of your life wondering what is missing and it’s not where you are…

Now I could easily get us lost in a myriad of options; I myself have observed six to seven different relationship orientations but let’s look at a few of the unconventional ways one can relate to another, shall we?

Polyamory – Ah yes, the great wide-open spaces really; the nexus to many people’s monogamy or the closest ‘planet’ if you will adjacent to many people’s lives.  A lot of people cram different concepts into this approach; open marriage, multiple partners, multiple lovers, serial monogamy tacked onto the side of monogamy, polygamy, polyandry, polygyny, and polyfidelity.  In my personal 20+ years of being sexually and romantically active, I’ve experienced all of these to some degree.  It can get quite complex.

For me, polyamory is one specific concept – multiple loves, meaning, you have an emotional investment in multiple individuals, which may or may not have a sexual component in the relationship.  No, it’s not defined by/with sex.  It CAN be about sex, or sex is a part of it, but at its core, it’s the emotions.   Often one has varying levels of love with different partners too, depending on what the needs of each individual relationship requires, and frankly is allowed by both/all parties.  Tricky, right?  But worth it.

Poly is very much neo-tribalism on a deeper level; these are your people, they are important to you, they are your S group if you will.  I often refer to a connected network as a polycule (thanks Brits!) and highly suggest making an org chart (dead serious) for partners to keep thing straight.  And calendar.  There will be many blogs about this in the future, so I’m going to close here because I could go on (and will) forever on this topic.  It can be a beautiful haven, or a downright shit storm so take your time!!

Promiscuity Kink – One of the point of separations I have with basket loading all non-monogamy with polyamory is that some of non-monogamy is about observing a Promiscuity kink.  Promiscuity is predominant in both monogamous and polyamorous scenarios so claiming mutual exclusivity in polyamory is inaccurate.  It exists outside of relationship orientation entirely because it’s a kink.

When people have open marriages; they are observing, in my mind, a promiscuity kink.  You are literally receiving sexual gratification that you and/or your spouse/partner are sleeping/fucking someone else.  Literally getting off on it.  That’s a kink.  Am I kink shaming or stating it’s less than polyamory?  Oh fuck no; I’m stating a point of separation because they are not the same thing.  I personally have and likely will observe both but they are not the same thing and I’m grateful that they are not.

It makes a difference because there are expectations to both when these statements are made.  Polyamory, in my mind, states that you are seeking a relationship; whereas promiscuity is stating that you are seeking sex and just sex.  These are similar but separate aspects of a planet, to tie it back into my working metaphor.  Like if land was polyamory and the oceans were promiscuity, still a part of the same planet but very different things.  Some planets are all water, some all land, some a little of both!

Serial Monogamy – Ah yes, one of my favorite parts of the metaphor – this is like having a series of asteroid belts or orbiting moons that you visit on a regular basis.  Sometimes there is exclusivity, often there isn’t – you can just be with that person in that moment.  Like promiscuity, I feel like this gotten a lot of bad press, which is a sad irony because a lot of people observe this lifestyle frequently.

It’s about people observing the desire to be unfettered around the hypergamy that mankind is flat obsessed with.  I think there is a time and place to keep things open and light, and frankly it needs to be treated with more respect.  Many monogamous couples open their marriage with added serial monogamy so they can enjoy new relationship energy from others.  If done well in an open marriage scene and there is a lot of check in, it works out great!

Like anything, being a dick can ruin anything – not setting expectations with your partners (I’m married/in a dedicated relationship/have a primary), not talking with your primary/partner/spouse, juggling too many people at once, or over booking because you don’t keep your dates straight, can make a mess of things.  On the flip side, there is a certain kind of heady beauty that can be had when you do keep it all above board, enjoy healthy relationships with multiple people, and everyone is happy.

Mixed Orientation – Oh one of the greatest tricks of all time and it can be done, it’s just tricky!  Sometimes you will get couples that chose to have discontinuous relationship orientations; like one partner is monogamous and the other is either poly, promiscuous, or even maybe asexual or aromantic.  This is observed perhaps for practical reasons or child-rearing, or maybe on an identity lever.  A partner may realize that they identify as a different sexual orientation than when the relationship started, a different gender entirely, or have kinky needs while with a vanilla partner.

It is a very unique situation and is about as ad-hoc as ad-hoc gets – this planet will have properties that observe a practical or domestic arrangement but also notable allowances that are catered for ideally both partners specifically.  I’ve known pairings/polycules that do well with this but others that do not; it really depends on how fortified and prepared everyone involved is and how realistic things are kept.  I applaud anyone/everyone who can pull this off when needed, it is not easy but it can be worth it!

Mixed Orientation is the best of both/many worlds as there is firm communication, expectations are frequently stated and reaffirmed, people’s needs are met.  It gets surreal at times as you tend to create unique or find your in unique scenarios, like explaining that the uxorious man next to you at an event is really your Cicisbeo (publicly acknowledged secondary if you will) and not your husband.  I got to experience the miracle of life as a secondary in such a role and it was one of the best experiences of my life.

Fractured Monogamy – Ah the first of the “furthest from the sun” planets as I think of them; behaviors that are very much shady and give non-monogamy a bad name.  Fractured Monogamy is the bastard version of monogamy, it’s where infidelity lives and breeds – where cheating happens because either needs were not addressed openly for whatever reason or flat out denied from standing relationships.

The fractured part comes from when needs aren’t being met so you break the trust in the relationship to seek them out.  You don’t let your partner know what you are up to and make it all work.  Or you both know what’s up but nothing is addressed; you seek your needs elsewhere to make up for the shortage. You pull other people into your scene to help buttress what should be done and over.  That is what a fractured monogamy scene is; it’s a collapsed star, pulling other planets into it to feed it.

So what’s the difference between this planet eater versus any other open scene?  Simple; it comes from a negative space and does not consider how the shared behavior affects everyone involved.  You aren’t in a balanced relationship with external partners, you parasitically feeding off others to maintain your scene.  It sucks when a dream, a hope, dies – it really does.  You need to either salvage what you can and start over or let it go – no one deserves to live here; you and no one else involved.  Please don’t do this.

Sanctioned Infidelity – Alright, this is the last “furthest from the sun” planetoid we will address and then we will have a nice aftercare conclusion to step back from these cold places.  Sanctioned Infidelity unfortunately is a real thing – where one partner asks for a Mixed Orientation situation and the concession given is, “you can sleep with other people, just don’t let me know it’s happening”.  Although I can see where this is almost thoughtful, it is vastly inconsiderate to all involved in the hot mess.

This isn’t as much of a planet as it is a nebula with semi-firm ground; it LOOKS like it could work but in reality you are just floating in space, dancing in lights that is really poisonous, non-breathable gas.  I’ve given this a chance once upon a time, when I was with a vanilla partner who knew I was polyamorous.  I genuinely attempted it a few times and a truth be told, it’s straight up infidelity with a get out of jail free card if I was ‘caught’.  It’s the closest I’ve ever been to infidelity and do not want to repeat ever again.

Although it’s far more considerate than fractured monogamy if you are at least clear with your paramour (your lover) and metamours (their lovers), it’s very dangerous emotionally and circumstantially.  I don’t view this as Mixed Orientation as there isn’t backwards communication with the primary/dedicated partner – you are literally dropping a cone of silence around said person and it creates whole swaths of bad behavior patterns.  I can see how it make may work for some so my only final words on it are please be careful and kind doing so.

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These are the experiences I have had so far; I hope that they are eye openers for some and perhaps a fond/solemn recollection for others.  There were intense and beautiful moments, both positive and negative, and I hope to share them with you for your knowledge and growth if you desire the same.  There is a lot to be enjoyed in hedonism and debauchery, the key is education, moderation, and communication: e=mc2 in case you need the mnemonic device to remember this!  😀

To reiterate what I stated previously, non-monogamy can be an amazing experience(s) if done carefully.  If everyone communicates their intentions, expectations, and desires clearly, a lot of opportunity can be enjoyed.  May you find the love you seek and may it harm none!

Dom Talos.